Ok, this is my first official post. I've been thinking about what topic I want to cover first, and procrastinating on opening up the computer. So, where should I begin? Let's start with love...or the lack there of.
Throughout my dating experience, I have told two guys that I loved them. One reciprocated, although I'm not entirely sure either one of us knew exactly what it meant. The other has fought it consistently for 6 years. 'Oh, but Emily, why would you stay?', you ask. Because I'm an idiot. Because somewhere inside me I pray that he will look at me one day and realize how much he loves me...RomCom style. Mostly it's because I love him with every piece of my heart and soul, and if I walk away from that, what will I have left?
The reason I stay and allow myself to put up with the bullshit and hurt goes so much deeper than this person. I don't believe I deserve better. There, I said it. I don't know what it's like to feel worthy of love, so I accept the bare minimum. He has told me countless times he cares about me. He has gotten angry with me when I've questioned it. He has done terrible things to me, and I end up apologizing for it. But, this is what I deserve, right? Because this is him caring about me?
I know it sounds insane. It makes sense in my head, but putting the words to paper (or Word document) I sound crazy. No one deserves to be lied to. No one deserves to continually be ignored or told they are ridiculous. No one deserves to only be wanted when it's convenient and on the other person's terms. No one deserves to cry this much.
So, why do I stay? He thinks I'm pretty. He accepts my body, while I loathe it. He makes me laugh. He's smart, and tall, and when he smiles at me, I melt. Sometimes he knows me better than I know myself. He knows when I have sad eyes, and sometimes he tries so incredibly hard to make me smile even though it's impossible.
But, maybe I should list the bad things, too. He is the reason for my sad eyes and my inability to smile. My mood is entirely dependent on whether we are getting along or not. He deliberately makes me feel jealous, and punishes me when he's upset with me. He has no idea how much the things he says and does affect me. Sometimes I feel as if I go above and beyond to make him smile, and he won't even give me the courtesy of a response.
I want to make him happy. I do things to please him, while sacrificing my own happiness and pleasure. There are things I can't even tell my friends because I am so embarrassed to be so pathetic. He gets whatever he wants from me, and as long as I'm getting his attention, I'm a willing participant. I keep hoping he will wake up one day and realize I'm amazing, and wonderful, and that I would do anything for him. That's never going to happen, but that hope is always in the back of my mind.
I want him to notice the little things. Every year I try to be the first one to wish him a happy birthday, even though it doesn't seem to matter much. I send him jokes when I think they'll make him laugh. I try and include him when I go places, even when I know my friends will be upset I invited him. I've given him gifts that I have put so much thought into, and I always end up being more excited about them than he is. His feelings are always in the back of my mind, and I feel guilty for getting close to someone else, while he doesn't even bat an eye when he's done much worse.
I'm not faultless in any of this. I have been difficult and moody, and hard to be around sometimes. I've said hurtful things and done things out of spite. I've tested his patience and made him so angry he couldn't look at me. I will own my mistakes, and I know I will probably keep making them.
I don't want to be this person. I don't want to cry and to feel my heart break for the millionth time. I don't want to question every one around me because I assume they are going to hurt me. I don't want to dread going to work to watch him flirt with everyone around me. I just want to be me. I want to laugh and have a good time. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want someone to think I'm amazing and caring, and to know my heart is always in the right place, even when I'm being a pain in the ass. I just want to feel worth it.